Friday, May 19, 2006

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day of work. I actually worked, for which I feel I deserve a medal. Of course, I didn't work much. Since I had a doctor's appointment at 10. (I am 1 cm dilated! Boy howdy!) And then at 12:30 was the "surprise" baby shower, which was completely not a surprise because Marissa thought I knew about it and asked me on Tuesday what kind of cake I wanted. So anyway. I got more cute stuff. And seriously, this kid. Like she needs all this clothing. My gosh.

As I walked to my car at 5:30, I started crying. Which surprised me. I am sad to leave my job. I worked there for 2 years and 8 months, which for me is a very very long time. I mean, I'm only 25, people. But as I sat in my car wishing I had the cell so I could call JDub to discuss, I realized I was only partly crying about leaving my job. I was mostly crying because I am scared to all crap about starting my NEW job.

I have worked at several offices. Your first day is always scary - meeting everyone and trying frantically (and unsuccessfully) to remember names, making sure you seem friendly and not weird, appearing confident and teachable, etc. I worked as a temp for a while, and so got pretty good at the "first day" routine. But this new job? This staying at home gig I'm starting sometime in the next month? I have ZERO experience. I do not count babysitting. I do not count being the oldest of 6 kids. It's completely different from anything I have ever done.

Having no one else to talk to, I said a prayer (how lame that it only occurs to me to pray because I have no cell phone with me). At the end, a thought popped in my head that calmed me immensely. I remembered something Dan told Dh and me last week. I am completely condensing a really complex discussion into one sentence, but here it is: as long as you as a parent are doing your very best to keep your covenants and live as you believe, and raise your child accordingly, your kid(s) will be okay. And once I remembered that, I felt okay again. Because I cannot guarantee that I will handle my child correctly every time. Sometimes I am going to lose my temper, or accidentally teach my child that "jackhole" is what you call bad drivers. I'm pretty sure those things are going to happen. But I can promise to do my best, dang it! THAT I can do!

(But don't ask me about the meltdown I had later that night about stretch marks, because then you will know just how shallow and selfish I really am. I am NOT telling you about it. Needless to say, by the time I went to bed, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.)

1 comment:

Reesh said...

I don't think there is a single mother alive who didn't doubt their new job just before they gave birth. What can I say, it's a part of the process of becoming a great mom. I didn't even really know how to change a diaper before Lily arrived, but you learn quickly, especially when you'll be changing about 10 a day!! Mother's instinct kicks in pretty fast and it helps you weed out what's worth worrying about and what's not. Yes I still continued to doubt even after she arrived, but less and less each passing day. I can honestly say I think I am doing a great job. I trust myself and I know you will too. But don't stop feeling what you're feeling now, it can only make you stronger.

P.S. I am checking your blog daily now. I am so excited for you!