In Which I Realize I'm a Mother

We leave for Florida tomorrow, and I'm not really ready. No problem, though -- I can pack for a week-long vacation in about 20 minutes. Dh finds my ability amazing. I don't really overpack either -- I might bring one or two outfits I never end up wearing. Dh is the Great Overpacker. He prepares for EVERY contingency. "Well, if it snows while we're in Florida, I'll sure be glad I brought my snow boots!" Okay, not really, but he way overpacks. Every time. We zip over to the coast, I have a dainty overnight bag, he has a giant duffel bag stuffed with six outfits and three pairs of shoes.

Due to stressers in Dh's life, he didn't figure out what he wanted for Christmas until Saturday. He realized that sportsy or outdoorsy stuff he wants/needs he buys for himself. But clothes he can never seem to justify. His taste in clothing has expensified in the past few years, but his ability to spend actual money on clothes has not. He wishes he still liked the ugly Old Navy t-shirts that cost $5 on clearance. But alas, they are too ghetto for him now. (Can I just say yay?!) So he asked for nice clothes for Christmas. I have $100 to spend on one outfit for him. I was super excited, because shopping for clothes is something I can get into, whereas shopping for halogen flashlights and pocket knives kinda makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

I've been busy shopping for my many brothers & sisters (four of them will be in Florida for the holiday), so haven't bought his presents yet. I did get his stocking stuffers (we have to set an allowance for stockings, otherwise we stuff each other's full of expensive little things). Today, when Baby E emerges from her morning nap, we are going to the mall. Now, because we are going to be flying across the country, we decided we would leave each other's presents here in Oregon, and then have a second Christmas when we get back. Double the fun. (Plus, I asked for Burberry London, and I can't risk that breaking on a cross-country flight!!!!) He told me this morning if I don't have time to shop this morning, I can just do it after Christmas since we're not opening each other's gifts until then anyway. I thought, No way Jose.

Baby E is on a lovely routine now: wake at 4:30-5 am for a 20-minute nurse. Go straight back to bed and sleep until 8-8:30 am. Wake up happy and ready for the day. At 10, take a 1 hr nap. Nurse, then we usually take off for adventures (aka errands). She falls asleep in the car around 1, naps for maybe 30-45 mins. Nurse around 2. Play, roll around, bonk head. Repeat until 3-3:30. Take 2-hr nap (I usually fit in a 1-hr nap here). Up around 5. Nurse, play. Bed at 6-6:30 pm.

Last night I was watching an old episode of CSI -- a woman was dead in her living room, in front of her baby boy who was crying in the playpen. I thought how horrible that would be, for something to happen to me and no one around to take care of Baby E for hours and hours. I started to feel anxious and I thought I hope that never happens to Baby E. Not, "hopefully I never get murdered," or, "hopefully I don't get killed in front of my own baby," but hopefully my daughter never has to cry and cry for hours with no one to take care of her. It was weird to realize that that is what I care most about. That I care about this little person more than myself. So I guess I really am a mom.