Tuesday, July 27, 2004


Last night I was at the Johnsons eating dinner. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was TS. She was crying and R said, "T, I'm coming over right now." And then she left. So D and I were like, well, we still need to go to Wal-Mart...So we went to Wal-Mart and Sportsman's Warehouse with the girls. There was definitely weirdness. When H is not around, D is much more familiar with me. And with R not there, it was even more pronounced. It made me feel uncomfortable. But I needed to go to Wal-Mart and honestly, I didn't want to get stuck watching the girls at their house. I don't have any children, so suddenly jumping to taking care of three is always a strain for me.
Anyway, he made a few comments, like, "I hope no one thinks I'm a cradle robber." And I'm thinking, "I don't want anyone to think I am married to this guy." Out loud I said, "Like anyone would believe these are my kids." He said, "Hey, they look as much like you as they do like me!" (Whereas I was referring to the size of my hips.) I answered, "No, V looks like you. The other two, well, they might be the mailman's." What I was thinking though is that I looked like the younger girlfriend and he was the divorced dad. Creepy. I did make him change his shirt before we left. It was all splattered with wood stain, though it looked like he had stood too close to frying chicken. I told him, "You're not wearing that."
It was a little funny when we ran into someone he knew at Sportsman's Warehouse. Apparently it was some guy who used to be in the Brush Hills ward. D introduced us, and the guy said I looked familiar, but I am almost positive we had never been in the same room. D said the guy was just trying to gloss things over because D's wife was obviously not in attendance.
And the guys at the binocular counter always seem to have a heart for me. Some employee used the baby to chat me up. I was laughing on the inside. D walked up behind me and the guy totally ignored him and just kept talking at me.
On the way home, D "observed" that I am into superficial things. I pressed for examples and all he could come up with were clothes and cars. I was like, whatever. Then he said I have a trophy husband. That was a pretty good one, I'll admit. My response, though, was that if I had wanted a trophy husband I would have married a doctor who was already done with med school. D asked me how I got H to dress stylishly, and I was pleased to report that he came that way. As for my supposed superficiality, my philosophy is, people are going to judge you based on how you look, so why not dress your best? The car thing, well, those are dreams. Someday I might have a nice car. Right now I am pleased as punch with my little dependable Corolla.
We had some ice cream and the girls were just getting into bed when R got home. TS seemed to have no reason for her meltdown, other than her back hurting (she injured it for real a bit ago) but since she has been on antidepressants recently (if not currently) I kind of doubt she needs a reason to meltdown. It just happens. Just look at J. Though according to J, she is not depressed.
H is so wonderful and I love him so very very much. He climbed into bed this morning and was a real jerk if you know what I mean since I did have to get up to go to work. I am really looking forward to part time so that we will be able to hang out together. It's gonna be rad. He asked me the other day where I would like to go. The possibilities are endless. We're going to visit Crater Lake, and his parents (which is actually so I can get that piano, and shop with his mom). And I requested frequent hikes.
This is a very private confession, and I know if anyone I know reads this they will try to put me in therapy for insanity, but I have been so thin for so long, that now that I weigh a little more, I feel like I need to start working out like a madwoman. I think I'm about 110-112, but that's a big difference from when I got married. I am so sure I could not even zip up my wedding dress anymore. On a positive note, I've had to get bigger bras. But my cute little pants are not comfortable. I mean, they were always tight, but now they would like cut off circulation or something. Ha ha So I gave some to L (which was dumb, because if I had thought about it, I would have remembered that she is bigger around than me). I am a 3 now. For a girl who has been a 1 for as long as she can remember, that is an adjustment. I just read this paragraph, and I am insane. I should start walking and doing tae bo, but for maintenance purposes. Losing weight now would be stupid. Plus, I will say that I look better now honestly. My hips don't stick out as much. I'm a little curvier. Yesterday I kept track of what I ate, and I seriously only ate like 1500 calories. And I didn't eat weird, healthy food. It was the stuff I normally eat. No wonder I'm a buck ten.
I think my quest this weekend will be to find a cute pair of pants that fit well. That are as non-low rise as possible. I hate low rise pants! They are the bane of my existence! Right after Client N.S.!!!!!!!

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